Hope From Ashes

Keep Humming In the Darkness

I haven't been here in awhile, a very long while as a matter of fact. Almost a month, if I'm not mistaken. The reason for that, quite simply, is that I'm losing my job. It's nothing I've done or failed to do, I haven't let any of my bosses down or made some incredibly bad business decision. No, it's the economy and my company needs to consolidate in order to save money and as a result a great many of our offices nation-wide are being closed as a result, and mine was one of them. October 3rd will be my last day. After that ... I don't really know what's going to happen. I've been trying to find another job before this one runs out, but the market is soft and there aren't really a whole lot of jobs to choose from, that will allow me to meet all of my necessary payments each month. School, utilities, gas, groceries, etc.

I've known that something like this was going to happen for about a month now, but I didn't know it would be my entire office. I thought it would be one or two of us, not all of us. It's been a bit hard to take, I'll be honest, and I've had more bad days than good ones. I've been trying to stay strong through this incredibly turbulent time, holding onto my faith and believing that something good was going to come of this. It hasn't been easy. There have been moments where I completely surrendered to despair and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just let the world go on without me.

And then, I got this in my email :

Sometimes life seems hard to bear, full of sorrow, trouble and woe. It's then I have to remember that it's in the valley's I grow. If I always stayed on the mountain top and never experienced pain, I would never appreciate God's love and would be living in vain. I have so much to learn and my growth is very slow, sometimes I need the mountain tops, but it's in the valley's I grow. I do not always understand why things happen as they do, but I am very sure of one thing, my Lord will see me through. My little valleys are nothing when I picture Christ on the cross he went through the valley of death; his victory was Satan's loss. Forgive me Lord for complaining when I'm feeling so very low. Just give me a gentle reminder that it's in the valley's I grow. Continue to strengthen me, Lord, and use my life each day, to share your love with others and help them find their way. Thank you for the valleys, Lord, for this one thing I know. The mountain tops are glorious, but it's in the valleys I grow!

I'm learning a somewhat painful lesson in patience and trust. I know I'll find something, I know that I won't be left floundering with two children to care for. God looks after the widows and orphans, I see myself as something of a widow. I no longer have a husband.

Is today a good day? I don't know if I'd use the word "good", really, but it's better than yesterday and head's and tails better than the day before. I'm working my way up from where I was, learning to trust, learning to be patient.

Daddy! I Want an Oompa Loompa Now!!

My son : "Mommy, can we go swimming?"
Me ："Not right now, in a little while"
(5 minutes goes by)
My daughter : "Mommy, can we go swimming?"
Me : "Not right now'
My daughter : "But why?"
Me : "Because it's too hot outside right now and you'll burn to a crisp"
My daughter : "But we have sun-scream"
Me : "Sun screen won't make a difference in this heat. In  little while we'll go swimming"
My daughter : "But I want to go now!"

This is a typical exchange that goes on in my house usually every weekend. My children love to go swimming and usually want to go when the sun is at it's hottest and usually don't take no for an answer. No matter what logical reason I give them, they always seem to want to argue the point with me. We have sun screen, it isn't too hot, they love to go swimming, they've been waiting all these years, and on and on it goes.

Isn't that how we seem to be when we want answers to certain questions in our lives? When we're going through some trial or another and we just want the answers and we want to know how it's all going to turn out and we just want to know *now*.

Just like me with my children, we can't always get what we want when we want it and the hardest thing for us to hear is "not right now, just be patient and wait". Our typical response to something like that is "No! Now! I want the answer now!" I, for one, am very much like that. If I am praying or waiting for something, I get edgy and irritated and just want it to be over with so I can move along with what I need to do! Life doesn't always work like that and the Lord certainly doesn't work like that. Sometimes he will give us what we need when we ask, but most times the time isn't right for what we are asking and his reply is "wait".

I have found that rejoicing in the waiting makes it that much easier to bear,  to realize that there is some lesson to be learned, to stop and take a look around and not try to rush through life so quickly. If you accept the fact that whatever is going to happen must happen in its own time, you will appreciate it so much more. Like working toward something that you are truly hoping to achieve, when you finally do gain that goal you set out for yourself the feeling of accomplishment is so much greater. Look what I did, look at what I accomplished. This is what being patient is teaching me, to appreciate the journey and not just the outcome. To learn the lesson that is being taught, to understand that whatever must happen cannot be rushed, like fine wine or a magnificent quiche. It cannot be rushed. So the next time you find yourself acting like Veruca Salt and demanding something "now", take a look around, rejoice in the waiting, find the lesson trying to be taught and learn from it. Relish the journey and not just the outcome

Your Life is like a Story

I like to consider myself a writer. I say I like to because I've never actually published anything, even though I've written several "books" and even did a screenplay for a TV movie. They're all still at home, stored away in files collecting dust. I wrote my first book when I was 18 years old. It was a Star Trek based science fiction novel. I sent it away to an agent, the agent took it to a publishing house that said yes they would publish it but only if I changed the names of the main characters. I balked at the idea because I had written a Star Trek novel, I didn't want to change the names. I turned down the offer and I've never submitted another work since then.

It's something of a thrill for me, creating new places and characters and drawing out their lives in words written by my hand. Watching it all transpire on page, watching as the characters I create come to vivid life, so vivid that there are times I can "hear" them talking in my head. Strange, I know, but when you become completely wrapped up in a work of creation, that's what happens. You are "in-tune" with the characters you are creating. They become almost real.

Life is something like that. Life is like a story that slowly unfolds day after day. You never know what the next page is going to bring, you never know when the chapter is going to end or how the next one will start. There are happy moments, sad moments, there are moments of sheer terror and exhileration. There are moments of change in which we, as the main characters in our own personal life stories, must change and grow. We do not know how our life stories will end, that part is unplanned, and as much as we'd like to "skip ahead" to see how it all turns out, the fun is in the exploring and discovering. Don't be afraid of the blank page in front of you, make your life's mark. Even if it's something that you wish you hadn't done, it's a learning experience, a chance for you to broaden your horizons and see beyond the simply here and now. I've made several ink blots on the pages of my life that I can never erase, but you know what? They define me and they've made me the woman I am today. I look back on those ink blots and smile and remember and learn. Live your life with arms wide open, take every experience as it comes and rejoice in it -- good or bad.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Patience is a Virtue

You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder -- Anonymous

Patience is not something I've ever been very good with. I'm very much the kind of person that when something needs to get done, I want it to get done now. I do not like to wait, I do not like being told "tomorrow" or "next week". I'm very much the Type-A personality that likes things to be finished quickly. So when something comes along that demands me to be patient, I get very irritated and annoyed and will typically try to find ways to manipulate the situation so that I can get it done faster, or get a reply sooner. I have always been this way, it's just part and parcel of who I am.

There's been a situation going on at work that's required nothing but patience from me. No amount of emailing or phone calling or worrying or obsessing over it is making it progress any quicker than it has been. And that has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do (other than leaving my ex-husband of course). For two weeks now I've been in what I'm calling a "holding pattern", just waiting for a final decision to be made. I've sent in my proposals and my ideas and I've talked on a vast array of conference calls and I'm still waiting. And waiting. And I have never waited very well.

In Thessalonians it says that "patience is better than pride". I read that one night and just took a mental step back. Patience is better than pride, sit quietly and wait for the Lord to act. That's the one thing I haven't been doing, is sitting quietly and waiting, having patience. I read in my devotional last night that when trials come our way, it is simply a test of our faith. A way for us to grow stronger in our faith, that what we are enduring will test it as fire tests metal to make is stronger. Ever since reading that, I have been making a conscious effort to stop worrying, to sit patiently and quietly and know that it is out of my control. The hardest thing for a Type-A personality to do is give up control. It has not been easy by any means, but every day I tell myself that I have no control over it and I need to let it go and let God do his work. His ways are far superior to my ways.

I do not know when the answer to what it is I'm going through here at work will come, and for now, I am contenting myself that the Lord is working for me, that he is in control and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I'm not saying I don't have moments of near-panic or bouts of incredible anxiety, I'm saying that I'm having them less. I'm taking a full step back from all of it and releasing it, because nothing I can do is going to change it. There is a lesson to be learned here and it's been a difficult one for me, and the lesson is patience. That getting what you want right when you want it isn't always the best thing. It's a lesson I'm slowly learning and working on adapting into my life. Sometimes the most painful lessons are the ones that stick with us for the rest of our lives.

Go World

Success is a journey not a destination. The doing is usually more important than the outcome. Not everyone can be Number 1 -- Arthur Ashe

I watched nearly every single game of these 2008 Olympic Games. The games I couldn't watch were on in the middle of the night when I was sleeping, even at work, we kept one of the TV's on at all times so we could watch them during the day. I watched, and enjoyed, games I probably wouldn't watch under normal circumstances. I found myself watching games where the USA wasn't even playing simply because I wanted to see who would win. I lost myself in the spirit of the games, I watched men and women from literally around the world converge in Beijing to play for their country. Not for themselves, but for their nation, their land. And the look of absolute pride in their eyes when they would win just brought tears to mine. The Australian diver, Mitchum, who snagged gold from the Chinese wept in sheer joy. Michael Phelps' mother sat in her chair with tears in her eyes as her son won 8 straight Olympic gold medals. As a mother, I cried right along with her. To be sure, there were heroes at these games. Men and women who achieved greatness, who went beyond themselves and stunned us with their abilities. And they didn't do it for money or sponsorships, they did it for a medal. For the chance to say, look what I did for my country.

And right along with them, there were some unsung heroes of the Olympic games as well. Men and women who we heard nothing about, who came to Beijing with nothing more than a dream and left with nothing more than experience and memories. One such person was a girl from the war-torn country of Somalia, her name was Samia Yusuf Omar and she was only 17 years old. She was competing in the women's 200-meter sprint, alongside others like Veronica Campbell-Brown. Women who trained day after day, year after year for this event. 17 year old Safia from Somalia weighed in at 119-pounds, many of the other women in the track outweighed her by 40 pounds. She looked completely out of place on the track with her baggy t-shirt and white head-band, but she took her place in her lane and waited for the starting gun. When it went off, she was so slow out of her block that the computer didn't even register it. Within seconds, she was completely behind, with seven other women thundering around the turn and heading for the finish line. Samia came down the 200 meter stretch in last place, running as fast as she could for the finish line, eight seconds behind all of the other runners who had already finished. And when the people in the stands realized that there was still someone left on the track, they got to their feet and started to cheer for her, encouraging her. As Samia crossed the finish line at 32 seconds, the gathered crowd roared in applause.

While the Olympics are often promoted for the fastest of athelets, the most agile, there are those that often finish well outside of the limelight. Who finish with no medals and no recognition whatsoever. The ones who finish last, but still finish the race and leave with their pride. And isn't that what life is really all about? Finishing the race, no matter if you are first to cross the line or dead last. To run, no matter how great the obstacles are stacked against you, to compete to matter how outnumbered or outclassed you may be. To take pride in yourself, to hold your head high and to know that you did your best. You may not always get the recognition for it, but then again life isn't always about winning. It's about finishing.

(article source : "Somalia's Runners Provide Inspiration" by Charles Robinson of Yahoo Sports)

No Matter What, God is in Control

 

 

We had a tropical storm move through here on Monday. Everyone said it was "just" a tropical storm, maximum winds at 70 mph. It wasn't going to be too bad. It would blow through, give us some rain and some wind and then it would be gone. At least, they said, it wasn't a hurricane. Yes, well, what was supposed to be "just" a tropical storm turned out to be something much bigger than anyone expected. Fay made landfall south of where she was anticipated to land, and then she moved west across the state instead of north and then, low and behold, she stalled. Dumping massive amounts of rain across large portions of South Florida. Then she stalled again, dumping even more rain, saturating already clogged cities and towns. The pictures above are just a handful of the damage caused by this storm. Many have lost homes, businesses have been destroyed and still the rain continues to fall in some areas.

And yet? Through it all ... through all of the damage and destruction and rain ... God is in control. Did he cause the storm? No, of course not. He wasn't the cause, but he is the relief. Even in the midst of this overwhelming disaster, there are people having fun - as you can see in the last picture. No one died in this storm. Homes and business can be replaced and repaired, a human life cannot.

Life can sometimes feel like a flood, with everything seeming to happen at once. Work, kids, marriage, money ... it can sometimes feel like the flood waters are coming in and they're not stopping. But you have to remember that no matter what storms or trials come, God is in control. You will have trials on this earth, but take heart for I have overcome the world. If God is for us, who can dare stand against us? Is it always easy? No. Is it always fun? No. But it does get better and the sun does come out and you will emerge stronger for it than when you started.

Playing with Pain

Have you been watching the Olympics? I have. Religiously. I don't miss it, I'm watching the broadcast from the time it comes on the air at 10am until my local affiliate goes off air with it around midnight. If I could stay up and watch other channels broadcasting games, I would, but then I'd never sleep. This is the first time, in a very long time, that I've enjoyed the Olympics so much. In 2000 and again in 2004 I could have honestly cared less. I was in a bad place, mentally and emotionally, and didn't really care about all the grandiose and spectacle of the games. But now, in 2008, I am enthralled with them. I sit there and cheer on team USA and some of the underdogs as well. I find myself watching sports I'd never dream of watching if it were on regular television. Water Polo for one, Synchronized Diving for another. And one I'd never even heard of, Women's Trampoline. That's a sport? It was very cool to watch, I have to admit. I'd never be able to do those things on a trampoline.

These atheletes train for years, years, for this one moment. Four years, or more, of hard work and dedication and endurance and determination, for one single moment. One try at a medal. Do you think that they allow pain to enter into it? Do you think Michael Phelps did? Do you think Misty May-Treanor does? No, they play through it. They block it out, think past it and keep their eyes on the prize. We may not be Olympians, but we can also play with pain, we can also block it out and think past it by keeping our eyes on the prize as well.

"He will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested, He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."  1 Corinthians 10:13

There are times in our lives when we have trials and troubles; monetary, emotional, physical. Times of pain in our lives that just seems overwhelming. Bankruptcy, divorce, death, sickness ... we've all experienced it at one time or another and feel, at that moment, that there's no way we can keep on. In times of pain and difficulty, don't ask "God, why?", but rather ask "God, how can you use this pain?". Pain forces us to get real with God, it forces us to look at our lives and see areas that we can improve on. Pain refines us and forces us to change. If we suffer from bankruptcy we will change the way we spend our money, if we have suffered from a divorce we will examine the reasons why, if we suffer from sickness we change our diets and try to improve the way we live.

Pain also gives birth to compassion, we are much more compassionate toward others experiencing the same trials and troubles that we have gone through. We have walked the path they are now on and can help them, be a shoulder for them to lean on, a willing ear for them to talk to. God does not cause our pain, he will help us in our pain and then use what we have learned from that pain to help others.

No matter what you're going through in your life right now, release your pain to God, he will take it and comfort you and bring you a healing that you never knew existed and press on with praise. No matter what's going on in your life that troubles you, find a reason to be joyful. Even if it's a small reason.

I've had a very difficult week this week, and I've had to physically stop and look around and find a reason to be joyful. I give praise for the smiles of my children, I give praise for a family that loves me, I give praise that the storm that just moved through here didn't cause any major harm. Always remember that "God is just, he will pay back those who have wronged you." 2 Thessalonians 1:6-7

Putting First Things First

Normalcy is when you run out of money, insolvency is when you run out of excuses, bankruptcy is when you run out of money. Every one of us, at one time or another, has run out of money and tried to explain it away with excuses. "I don't get paid enough at my job" or "the interest on my credit cards are too high" and on and on. When we can't rise above the problems we want to move, because we have this inherant belief that if we leave, then our problems won't follow us. No one likes money problems, they're embarrassing and they affect every area of our lives -- our health, our marriage, our emotional well-being.

I know. I've been there.

My ex-husband and I declared bankruptcy in 2003 and it was the most humiliating and degrading moment of my life.  I felt like such a monumental failure. But there are ways to become unstuck from any monetary problems you may be facing, a way to slowly climb out of the monetary hole.

1. Tithe off your gross income

2. Live within your means

3. Take care of what you have

4. Wear it out

5. Do it yourself

6. Anticipate your needs

7. Research value, quality and multiple uses

8. Make gifts by hand

9. Shop less

10. Buy used

11. Pay cash

12. Do without

It seems so easy, doesn't it? That's because it is. It really is just that simple. There is so much that I have realized I don't need. Whenever I go to the store and see something I ask myself "do you need it or do you want it?". Half of the time, I want it and that's when I leave it on the shelf because I don't need it. I follow these dozen tips every day and every month my needs are met. Every month I have money to pay my bills and my mortgage and my car payment. Every month I have just a little bit left over which I leave to create a small foundation to build on for the next month. It also allows me to sometimes get things the kids would like, small gifts that make their day, or treating them to a meal at their favorite restaurant. So while the monetary hole can be scary, there is a ladder and a way out. Look up, look around and don't panic.

(source : Women of Faith Devotional)

Hey, What's Your Sign? Stop.

I do not like it when men flirt with me. I detest it, actually. When men flirt with me it makes me uncomfortable and more than a bit nervous. I do not like the attention I am suddenly getting and I do not want to be the object of any kind of affection. I can be friends with a man, I can very easily talk with and joke around with a man, but the moment a man starts to flirt with me, I clam up and want nothing to do with him.

I know that this all stems from the rape when I was 18 and then later my abusive marriage, I know that. I've been in therapy and I've been to counseling but I still cannot stand it when a man finds me attractive and wants to strike up a conversation and potentially ask me on a date. No thank you. Just the thought of being close to a man, just the very idea of possibly opening myself up to a man and making myself vulnerable to him scares me half to death. I was so manipulated and everything I held dear was trampled and nearly destroyed that I have no doubt that I am scarred from the experience.

People who have never been through it don't know what it's like and so I'm always getting the "when are you going to start dating again?" question. Usually from family members. Nope. Not having it. I know they mean well and I know that they want to see me happy and all, but what I can't seem to make them realize is ... I *am* happy. I'm very happy living on my own, with my children and my dog. I have control of the remote, no one eats my ice cream behind my back, I don't have to make sure there are "other plans" before agreeing to go somewhere. And my life is free from arguing and bickering and disagreements and misunderstandings. No one squeezes the toothpaste in the middle or leaves wet towels on the bed.

I am free. Do you really think I want to give up my newfound freedom?

For five years I was told how to act and what to do and what to wear and what friends I could and couldn't have. I was yelled at, belittled, made to feel insignifigant and small. I gave myself to a man who didn't love and appreciate me, who took complete and total advantage of me. As the 80's song so rightly says "once bitten, twice shy". Do you really think I want to tempt fate again? Do you really think I want to invite a man into my home, into my life, when I have children involved? I've heard that there are still some good men out there, my mother married one, my sister married one and my brother is one. That's the gambit right there, as far as I'm concerned.

So while I have no problems being friends with a man, as soon as that line is crossed I shut down and my defensive wall comes up. I know and understand that it has alot, if not all, to do with all that I went through. And I know and understand that I am in no kind of hurry to enter into another intimate relationship of that kind, I am very happy and very content with the way my life is right now. If it aint broke, don't fix it.

Endurance vs Speed

I have noticed something while training for this 5K run in September. I'm not a long-distance runner. It is something of a struggle for me, something I have to really work at. I'm more of a sprinter, I do well at smaller distances that require sudden bursts of speed. So while 3 miles doesn't sound like a very long distance, it might as well be 300 miles while I'm running it.

This is true in certain aspects of our life as well. Many of us are sprinters in our lives, doing things quickly, rushing from instance to instance with bursts of speed and completing them in as little time as possible. While others are more of the endurance runners, taking things slowly, pacing themselves. I've noticed that in my life there is a time to be a sprinter and there's a time to be an endurance runner. Dashing through life isn't the best way to live it, you run by so quickly that you can't really appreciate what it is you're getting done nor can you really appreciate the overall outcome.

Training for this 5K run has really opened my eyes to a lot of things I've been doing in my life, a lot of things that I've been sprinting through instead of pacing myself. I used to hustle my children into the bath so I could bathe them quickly and get them into bed because I was tired and wanted some down time. I was sprinting through the most important time in their lives, these golden years that I'll never get back again. I've started to pace myself a little more now. I sit and chat with them while bathing them, we talk about their day and they honestly make me laugh. Especially my daughter, she has such a way of putting things that it just makes me laugh. And then when the time comes to tuck them in, I spend five minutes with each of them, singing lullabies and just chatting about what they want to do the next day. These are days I'll never have again, there is going to come a time when they don't want me to sing lullabies, when they don't want me to tuck them in.

What are you sprinting through in your life? There are golden times in your life that you will never get back again, moments that if you sprint by them you may miss them completely. Take the time to start pacing yourself, slow down and look around as you move through life. It's not always easy and it may take some training, but the results are well worth it in the long run.